God,

I'm really trying to be patient. But as you know... it is very hard from me. I'm trying to listen to Your words and hear what You have to say. But it's hard. I'm a pretty independent person, but You already know that because you made me this way.

My heart is still hurting. And I guess I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. I want to trust you more and reach out to you more. I just am scared of the unknown. I've never been comfortable or safe there.

I just don't really know anymore. And it's hard. Really hard.

It's Been a Long Time

I haven't written in here in over a year... I'm kinda disappointed in myself. But it's okay, because I have written in many other places besides this blog.

The reason that I felt the urge to write today is because I am not quite sure why I continue to watch chick flicks. They make me feel things sometimes that I don't want to feel... but sometimes they say the things I need to hear the most.


Dear Claire, What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. All my love, Juliet


Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around.

I'm ready for eventually. For someday. I'm tired of feeling so out of place. For waiting to feel like I did so long ago. There are days that it seems like you never cross my mind, and then there are days that come out of nowhere that thoughts of you haunt me. Will they ever go away? Everyone says that another guy will come someday. Well, when??

My cousin sends me quotes and these are the ones that, today, hit home closer than...

Your first love is going to be the best and worst thing that has ever happened to you, because you've never had your heart broken, you're not cautious, you love with all your heart like nothing can go wrong, but when it does, you're hurt worse than you could ever imagine and from then on you protect yourself from ever feeling that way again, but you never forget that person, your first love, because they're the only person you didn't hold anything back from, and that's something you just never completely let go of.

So this is when we finally learn the real meaning of change. You do the things you used to be against, you date the people you thought you never would, and you befriend the people you used to hate. You'll learn what it's like to have your heart broken, to lose a friend that truly meant something to you, and to feel as if everything is really falling apart. There will be times your life seems so absolutely horrible it feels like it's not real. Despite all this, good things will come too. You'll make the most amazing friends that will be there for you even when they probably shouldn't. Your broken heart will heal once you find the most perfect guy you've ever met, and just as nothing else can go wrong, things will only get better. There will be the days you are so happy, and the days that you feel like dying. Drama happens, gossip goes around, and people talk. Maybe this is just the younger years, maybe it's life, or maybe this is just what growing up is.

When the broken hearts are mended and the many tears are dried, you learn. When you're over the old boyfriends and you realize that you can live without your first love, you learn. You see that the world doesn't end just because you think it will, and that sometimes growing up means letting go. You learn what real love is, and you begin to see that one friend who really cares is better than a hundred friends who don't. You learn that you can be strong, take each step-by-step, and survive every sad moment. So feel the pain and cry the tears, go out and experience life. But when you're at the end of your rope, and you're ready to jump off that ledge, remember that heartache fade, pain subsides, and though life seems at times too tough to handle, it's also too precious a gift to waste. Keep on living, never give up, and remember...as you grow, you learn.

The thing I love most about quotes is reading it and knowing that someone else has felt the same way I am feeling right now. How special is that! It gives me hope.

I don't want anyone that is reading this to think that everything in my life is awful and depressing right now. It's not, not at all. I just got a new teaching job in the middle of the year. I am living a 20 year old dream everyday that I go to work. I am finally doing what I went to college to learn about and do these past four years. I am starting a new chapter in my book of life and I'm very excited about what's to come in the career aspect of my life.

Here's to someday...

Hope

I think about you less and less each day. The only thing that really triggers me to think about you is a song, a picture or when I hear your name.

I was walking to class today and listening to my ipod. It was on random, like always. And the song that came on brought tears to my eyes because it makes me think of you... the first lines are If that's the way you love You've got so much to learn If that's the way you say goodbye... Tears fell from my eyes on the way to class because you hurt me, you did me wrong and you are the only one who can't see that. And I think that hurts more than anything. You seem like you have lost your way, and I pray each day that you find it again. I hope things turn out better for you. Life is not supposed to be like that.

But I have hope. I know that I am slowly getting over you. For so long, I thought you were the one for me. I really did believe that. I was completely wrong. You aren't the one for me. And I can finally say that. It has taken me a long to say that out loud.

The guy for me... I haven't met him yet. And now I'm relying more on my God because He knows exactly what I need. I'm going to be okay.

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet.
-Michael Buble

The Perfect Day

I can say, with much confidence that yesterday was the perfect day.

Yesterday, Friday, November 13, 2009, I received my Fighting Texas Aggie Ring. I have been waiting four years for this day. And it could not have been any more perfect.

My parents and grandparents drove down from Dallas as well as my second parents, my best friend, and two other really close families to my family. I had eleven people drive in from Dallas to celebrate this day with me. It was really special.

My dad gave me my ring. It was so awesome for me to have my dad give me my ring. I think he thought it was special, too.

And then after I got my ring and took so many pictures, we had a party at the church with more friends and family to continue the celebration. I haven't smiled that much and like that in a very long time. It was so good to be surrounded by so many wonderful people celebrating me getting my Aggie ring.

For those Non-Ags, let me fill you in. Getting your Aggie Ring is a huge deal down here. Every Aggie Ring is the same as the very first ones that were given way back when. Every Aggie wears their ring and it connects what we like to call "THE AGGIE NETWORK". Everything on the ring has symbolic meaning.

If you are at all curious about this Aggie Ring and everything it means and holds... check out this website http://www.aggienetwork.com/ring/.

Anyway, yesterday was fantastic! I still cannot stop smiling!! This is definitely what I needed to keep me going through the rest of the semester.

It was here that our lives were forever changed, and loyalty to one another and to a cause greater than self filled our hearts.
--Phillip D. Adams, Class of 1970

Thank you to everyone that helped me get to this day and to my friends and family who were here to celebrate it with me. Love you all! Gig'em & God Bless!

Truth

Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, gray. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, cause we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

Today the truth came to me. I'm not really sure what to think of it now or what to do now. I guess I'm just trying to figure everything out still. It still hurts and I'm kinda worried about what dreams may come over the next few days and weeks because of this.

Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.

Life is pretty crazy when you think that sometimes it would have been better to be kept in the dark.. to just be able to believe the lies and go on believe that everything was real. That everything was true. That the feelings were mutual. But life doesn't really work that way. There aren't always happy endings and people don't always turn out to be the person you thought they were. The person they said they were.

And this time the truth was much more cruel than any lie you could have ever told me. But it's the truth. And I wanted to know it. And I got my answers. And now part of me wishes I could just go back and live in the lie. It was easier that way. I never asked for this. But here I am... back several steps and far from the place that I want to be.

Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness.

A Halloween Haunting

Have you ever had something in your past that you just can't shake off? My dreams last night were more like never ending nightmares that I still feel like I cannot shake, even though I am awake. I wish I could be like everyone else for once, and just accept this and move on. But I can't. I can't accept this. And I can't move on. And most days I can ignore it, or at least enough to not be thinking about constantly.

But I want answers. And the answers are there, but I just can't get to them. Not right now anyway. I can't keep letting this get to me. Everyone else doesn't care. But I still do.

I really don't know what to do. But this is real. And I gotta get past it eventually... I just don't know how.

21 Life Rules

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Many a man you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversation skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don't believe all you hear. Spend all you have. Sleep all you want.
4. When you say "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but its the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone ask you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone. Spend some time with God.